Woo-Hoo! Five weeks between posts!

I've officially reached a new level of suckage. Forgive me yet again, reader who is not there.

Well....I've been busy. Hence the lack of anything from me. Nothing earth-shattering...just the usual hectic pace that keeps me from doing inconsequential things like exercising or eating healthy.

The wife is in FLA trying to put a space shuttle in the air. That leaves me at home with Boy Wonder for seven days. Mr. Mom at his beck and call. Or is it beckon call? Anybody give a damn? Proceed.

Pretended we were adults on Saturday night and saw "Spamalot", the Broadway musical based on MP & the HG (c'mon, how fuckin' cool and trendy am I?)

It was really great. And coming from someone who's seen the flick about 200 times, that's sayin' something. It follows the story line of the movie (sort of) and recreates some of the most classic segments. A really fun show.

Before that we had dinner at the restaurant where we had our first "real" date. Weird coincidence that they seated us at the exact same table. Fate, I guess. Ahh, fate. The meal was good and obviously held sentimental value based on that night almost five years ago. The only difference is that now I've seen her naked. Not in the restaurant...I mean at other places.

So, I'll wrap this oh-so-tardy post and try my best to get another one up shortly. If I don't, whatever.

Wasted Away Again...

Saturday night at the ballpark with the missus....but the hot dogs and Cracker Jack were replaced with cheeseburgers in paradise and the smell of rum in the air. Yes, my friends...Jimmy Buffet and the Coral Reefers sailed into our lovely city for another round of fun in the sun.

And oh, what fun we had! The infamous parrothead tailgate party was in full swing by the time we showed at the late hour of almost 5pm. Judging by the general state of three sheets to the wind, people had been there awhile. A Buffet tailgate is like no other and something that everyone should experience at least once in their life. And once you've been...you'll be back. Jimmy says it himself, "I'm just the background music for the party," and he ain't lyin'. These people know how to throw a bash. Freaks young and old show up in their island garb to simply have a good time. What more could anyone ask for?



We had great seats down on the field thanks to my lovely wife (shown below with some guy with a shark on his head).


The weather was great, the band sounded terrific....all was good in the world, if only for two hours. I had what I can only describe as a moment of zen during the song "One Particular Harbor" which is not even one of my favorites. For whatever reason, at one point in this song I closed my eyes as a breeze blew past and I began to feel a smile on my face for no reason other than I was content. Wow. What a great feeling to actually be content with oneself. Hard to put into words, but at that particular instant, I was really, really satisfied in that one particular harbor of the mind. With a horrendous week now behind us, it was a pause to appreciate just how much I have in this life. There are some who say Mr. Buffet is not that great of a singer. I challenge you to find one person to agree in the crowd that night. Anyone who can take you away, if only for a few fleeting moments, to a better place... Well, he's alright by me.

Scary Times We Live In

What a week....Monday's tragedy at Virginia Tech was a terrible, terrible loss. Then Friday it hit WAY too close to home for me when my wife called me to say they were under lockdown and that a gunman was on the loose at her work.

What has the world come to?

Thank God she came home safely. There were 32 people Monday who did not.

Another Year In The Books

Celebrated birthday number 42 yesterday in traditional fashion. Colonoscopy. Nah...just fuggin' with ya, anonymous online reader. Took the day off, as did the Mrs., and we set off on our day of fun. Nothing too exciting. Well, OK, one thing exciting but this here is a family-oriented blog. Did some antique shopping and had a nice lunch at Tommy Bahama's. Then it was back to home base for a viewing of the newest Bond flick "Casino Royale". We got through almost all of it before it was time to pickup The Boy so we still need to watch the last 15 minutes to find out if Bond lives or not. Any takers on that bet?

The wife and the boy sang me Happy Birthday which was the cutest thing ever and we had cake and sushi. Not in that order. It was a fun day. For the most part low-key but that was how I wanted it. How better to spend the day but with the woman I love and the best son a guy could ask for?

Maybe havin' the wife dressed like this. (Didn't think I'd post that, did ya babe?)

And, like any good publicity whore...

Hey! Our truffles killed a chick!

In one of the more surreal moments I've experienced in my life, our truffles were featured as a major plotline in last night's episode of CSI:NY. Pretty cool I must say. The story had one of our truffles injected with poison and given to a partygoer at a UN function. During the investigation, the CSI sleuths extensively studied a pin-sized hole in the foil of the truffle and a number of shots of the woman eating the deadly truffle were replayed.

CSI props people had contacted us a month or so ago and ordered the truffles for the upcoming taping of this episode. Kinda bizarre to actually see your product as a main component of a TV show's premise. The wife was very complimentary, telling me "Good job, babe" after the show ended....even though I didn't actually "do" anything. No matter...when I tell the story years from now to my great-grandkids it will be about how I starred on an episode of CSI:NY.

By the way, our truffles really don't kill people. I would advise against the Dark Chocolate Strychnine though.

Quick & Simple Magazine - March 13, 2007

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"Runnin' from the Rock Hall"

Van Halen was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night. Well, sorta. In reality, Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar, the two guys not in the current iteration of Van Halen were inducted. More than conspicuous in their absence were Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen and David Lee Roth.

Each had their reasons for missing the shindig. Ed’s in rehab trying to sort out miscellaneous problems including alcohol addiction and just generally being a cantankerous old man. Alex presumably was supporting his brother by not attending. Sure, because that make sense. And Dave? Ah, Dave. Dave didn’t get things the way he wanted so he stomped his feet and sucked his thumb and stayed home Monday night in his PJ’s.

What could have been a shining spectacle of rock and roll, instead fizzled into mediocrity. This is a band that is the most dysfunctional family this side of Axl’s Guns n’ Roses (or whatever he’s calling it these days). A dysfunction that runs so deep, that they couldn’t pull it together for one frickin’ night…for the fans. How truly sad indeed.

Roth has been generally acknowledged as the most arrogant, annoying, self-centered rock star of the last thirty years. He had a chance last night to break from that stigma. He was given a do-over. According to Rock Hall of Fame personnel, Dave refused to appear unless he could sing. Alright, you can sing with Velveteen Rabbit they said (actually it was Velvet Revolver). Dave declined that offer because the song they had enough time to prepare “You Really Got Me,” was not a true Van Halen song. OK, Dave…how about playing any song you want with the fairly accomplished house band. Nope. Dave wanted to put together his own act because of course, he is Diamond Dave, recent paramedic, failed talk show host and nightclub bluegrass singer (really). When he didn’t get his way…well, you know the rest. The same reasons a classic Van Halen reunion has been unattainable for the past twenty-two years. Dave’s an ass, Eddie’s an ass, and the fans don’t really matter much.

Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony were perfect to be quite honest. They were appreciative, reflective, humble…and seemed remarkably genuine in saying that it shouldn’t have been like this. They really wanted everyone to show up and share in the accolades that at one time they so richly deserved. The biggest, baddest rock n’ roll band on the planet. Hagar summed up what everyone had hoped to see when he said "If we all grew up, including me, maybe all of us could do it together." Hagar said of future Van Halen touring, "I'm down with that." How cool would that be? What VH fan wouldn’t want to see that? Can you imagine Roth and Hagar hammering out “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love” as a duet? The fans would go crazy. Hey guys, it’s us…the fans…..remember us?

I have a new respect for Hagar after his heartfelt words and a bit of sympathy for Michael Anthony who when asked why he was no longer in the band replied, “I don’t know…I’m ready to play.”

In the end, we were left with what might have been. Sad Halen.

The Meaning of Life and Matthew McConaughey

Pompous Ass that I am, I had high and mighty goals for this here spew of literary diarreha when it was founded oh-so-far-back in 2006. I pledged to contribute to the online community with honest, intellectual, thought-provoking discussion on relevant topics. But here I am, just another bozo spouting dick & fart jokes.

Lately however, I've been giving a lot of thought to the subjects of the pursuit of happiness and the ol' "what's it all about?" theorizing. Not from a position of being unsatisfied. Quite the contrary actually. Life is actually pretty frickin' good. Sure, I want more. Who doesn't? Could I use a bigger house, a faster car, teeth grills....hell yeah I could! But ya know what people? (Like there's anyone out there reading this trash) I've got my needs met. And then some. For so long it was the house and the car that were the carrot at the end of the string for me. Now I realize that stuff really isn't important. (Some grills would be badass though.)

The clichés are too many to mention....fake it till you make it...love the one you're with....you can't always get what you want but if you try real hard, you just might find you get what you need. Simplify things, people. It's way too easy to walk around this planet hating yourself, your situation, your life in general. It's hard to be happy. You have to actually try to make it happen. Cuz if you don't, who gonna do it for ya? There. Another cliché.

I heard a quote recently from Matthew McConaughey, belive it or not, that rang true with me. Holy fuck, I'm quoting Matthew McConaughey. Not exactly who I pictured as the voice of wisdom for my generation. Anyways...he said that he tries to make today a great day. No long-term pressures. Just today. Then tomorrow. Then string a few great days together and before you know it you have a great week. String together four of those and you've got yourself a great month. 12 of those...well, you get the idea.

Is it really that simple? Yeah, kinda. Stop lamenting what you don't have...what's missing and enjoy what's right in front of you. Do it today. Then do it again. See if it sticks.

Maybe Matt is the voice of our generation. Ask yourself...would this guy steer you wrong? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh..........

Playing Catch Up

I had a good run going there for awhile, didn't I? And then I fell back to my old ways and quit updating this here blog o' mine. Sorry folks. All none of you.

Christmas came and went relatively quietly. In fact, extremely quietly. It was nice to have a lazy Christmas break and not come back to work even more tired than I was when I left. It was fun watching the boy with his Xmas presents but it was most definitely a case of sensory overload. Next year we will pull in the reins a bit. I say that now.

So last Sunday the wife ran her first half-marathon. She never ceases to amaze me. Congrats baby...you do rock. Then we came home and watch the dumbass Chargers do what they do best...blow it when it really counts. They are out of the playoffs as the most talented team involved in the whole frickin' thing. Who cares. Whatever. I hate sports. I'm goin' gay instead. Much less heartbreak that way.

Goosebumps

I just put together my son's first bike. How cool is that? Thank you Son for allowing me to experience these feelings for the first time.

Those Things You Don't Forget...

Yesterday when I got home there was a package waiting from my Dad and his wife. It was addressed to The Boy and contained 12 animal ornaments that were to be "his very own." We told him that he could hang them anywhere he wanted on the tree. He set out meticulously determining the exact perfect location for each. In the end, he had about half of them clustered within a branch of each other, but no matter. It was lots of fun watching him take charge of the task and really make it his own.

So we're getting ready for him to do down for the night and he runs over to the Christmas tree and proceeds to kiss each and every one of his ornaments goodnight.

Wow.

So You Wanna Be a Rock n'Roll Star...

Bow down before the one you serve....I am a rock god. Alright, so I'm actually a way-too-f'in-old video game geek posing as a rock god. But damn if it don't feel how I pictured it.

I'm talking, of course, about the ultimate Playstation 2 game, Guitar Hero 2. I discovered it yesterday...and by 10pm I was immortal. For those who haven't seen this life-altering experience yet, GH2 makes you a rock star playing lead guitar to some of the classic rock songs of all time. Using a guitar controller instead of the usual handheld, you try to keep up with the stage band by blazing your fingers up and down the fretboard while strumming along at the precise moment the actual note in the song is played. Fun? Fuckin'-A right it is!

I can seriously see this becoming an addition. The rush of receiving a standing ovation after blistering through Van Halen's "You Really Got Me" or Cheap Trick's "Surrender" is a feeling this musically-inept air guitar hero has long dreamed of. It's easy enough at the early stages to raise the adrenaline of even the most novice gamer. At the harder levels, of which I'm nowhere near good enough to complete, it gets downright frantic. But the fun is in the practice. And you won't sleep until the crowd tells you that you can. Trust me on this one. Sleep is for the weak. You'll wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day.

Do yourself a favor...pick this thing up, strap on that cherry Gibson SG gee-tar, and rock, rock, til ya drop. Me? I gotta go... I've got groupies waiting.

Turkey, Trimmings & the Giving of Thanks

Well, we all survived. Correction, the turkey did not. Thanksgiving break has come and gone and ya know what? It was really good. Nana & Papa came in from Cali and I think were stunned by the growth of the boy both physically and mentally. They really bonded with him this trip and it was great to witness. Great is actually a bit of an understatement. Grandparents are such a key component in a child's life and it is terrific to watch the relationship building there.

Thanksgiving dinner went well except for the dry-ass bird I cooked. I know, I know, let it go Scott. If only I could have pulled it out 10 degrees sooner...

Sandy baked her amazing pies. At least I guess her pumpkin pie was amazing becuase as long as there is pecan pie in the house...that's the end of my eatin'.

All in all, a lot of fun. Not the most relaxing but hey, what can you do. Definitely made me feel grateful for what I have and who I have. And that my friends, is what it's all about. Not the Hokey Pokey, as previously belived.

Sunday Matinee - Over The Hedge

Another great Sunday Matinee at the Wayne Manor Cinema...this weekend it was Dreamworks' Over The Hedge, a highly entertaining romp for kids and adults of all ages. Dreamworks is the company that created Shrek, and Over The Hedge was released theatrically this past May and did well at the box office.

The plot centers around a street-savvy racoon named RJ (played by Bruce Willis) who finds himself with a one-week deadline to replace a load of pilfered bear goodies that he swiped. RJ infiltrates a naive group of woodland creatures in an attempt to get them to help steal replacement food from the suburbanites that dwell "over the hedge". I guess that's where they got the name.

Casting is terrific, with Willis, Verne the apprehensive turtle voiced by Garry Shandling, Hammy the hyperactive squirrel played by Steve Carrell (of The Office fame), and Wanda Sykes as Stella, the skunk turned cat temptress. Nick Nolte plays Vincent, the grumpy bear who is none too pleased to be awakened early from winter slumber only to find RJ making off with his cave full o' snacks. Nolte's Vincent is "not nice", according to my son. On reflection, Nolte is the perfect casting for this role. Who better to play the role of a surly bear than this guy...
The animation is very polished, reminiscent of "Shrek-style" graphics (as opposed to "Pixar-style"). The action is non-stop and there are entertaining moments for viewers of all ages. Additional voicing is provided by Avril Lavigne, the always funny Eugene Levy, Thomas Haden Church (the janitor guy from Wings), William Shatner and Allison Janney from The West Wing.

The boy was riveted to the screen the whole time. Not a peep except for a couple of screams when the bear was chasing RJ. Who could blame him? Take another look at that Nolte mugshot. Scary.

Since a Sunday Matinee can only be as enjoyable as the boy allows it to be....we've added a new rating scale to our weekly critiques...The Fidget Factor. The Fidget Factor measures, well, the level of fidgetiness (fidgetoscity?) of our two-year old during the viewing. A fidgety boy can make even the best movie grueling.

In sum, Over The Hedge exceeded my expectations and proved to be a very enjoyable 83-minute Sunday diversion. Rated PG for some rude humor and minor cartoon violence.

MTV Here We Come!

You know those moments in life when you realize you're finally starting to "make it"? This is one of 'em. My company Images in Chocolate produced custom chocolate coins a couple of months back for a rapper named Smooth-E. The coins feature his face on one side and his Smooth-E logo on the back. Well, without further ado.

Sunday Matinee - Hoodwinked

Sunday afternoon matinee at the Wayne Manor Cinema has become a new tradition and as such, this is the first of what will be a weekly review. This Sunday's presentation was Hoodwinked, a twist on the classic tale of Little Red Riding Hood.

All the usual suspects are there, Red, Granny, the Wolf, with a couple of surprise characters altering the storyline of the old fairy tale. There are always three sides to any story...in this case, at least that many. The film analyzes what really happened out there on the way to Grandmother's house. It's not what we were led to believe as naive kids.

Character voices are expertly casted with Anne Hathaway in the role of Red, Patrick Warburton (best known as Seinfeld's "Puddy"....yeah, that's right) as the Wolf, and Glenn Close as the more-hip-than-you know Granny.

Appearances are very decieving as the Wolf turns out to be an undercover news journalist and Granny is actually an extreme-sports enthusiast going by the moniker of Triple G. She even sports a GGG tat on the back of her neck. I won't divulge who the real villian turns out to be. It's a shocker.

While the animation is not on par with Pixar's efforts or Dreamwork's animation techniques, the movie's animation style is still fun to watch with its almost video game like appearance. The Dolby 5.1 soundtrack works well, highlighted by various booming explosions that occur in key scenes. Catchy songs highlight the storytelling with a couple, notably the old goat's "Be Prepared" which nearly caused my wife to pee herself.

The true test of these reviews will be our two-year old's reaction. While fidgety throughout, he seemed to appreciate the Strassberg Method character development and the complexity of the principal role scoring. Alright, so he liked the pretty colors and the squirrel.

All in all, a fun time for kids and adults alike. The action, songs and colorful characters are more than enough to hold a two-year old's interest and there are enough innuendos and side jokes to keep a grownup's attention. Those who love the movie Fletch will crack-up at the Wolf's spot-on take on the classic Chevy Chase character.

Highly recommended.

Pete Yorn Concert

Friday night, one of my wife and my favorite singer/songwriters, Pete Yorn, made his long-awaited return to Houston. Some couples have "their song"...we have "our singer"...and he is Pete. Neither one of us had seen him perform before so we were excited when we saw he was stopping in Houston on his Nightcrawler tour.

So us old-timers got all dolled up on Friday night and headed out for a way-past-our-bedtime night of fun. He was playing at a club called Meridian in midtown. Neither of us had been to this club before so we weren't sure what to expect in terms of crowd size. When we arrived, we were pleasantly surprised to find the place holds a max of about 1,000 or so tops. The stage was in close proximity to both sides of the bar and the overall size of the place meant you really couldn't be in a bad location, view-wise. Me and the missus clinked plastic cups and downed a Jager shot in honor of our night out as real life grownups.

Mini-Bar from the UK opened the show with decent enough pop-rock to get the crowd lubed up. Nothing really memorable about their set, but nothing offensive either.

A little after ten, Pete hit the stage. He played a good mix from his three albums and added a spectacular cover of The Smiths There Is A Light That Never Goes Out. Everything was great. The place was nice enough, the crowd perfect-sized...hell, we even found barstools to plop our thirty-something asses on. Fine, so mine is forty-something.

We had a blast. We sang along, laughed, bought concert T's...we even made a late-night Mickey D's driveby on the way home. For a night, we were dating again. And a chance to rediscover the girl that you really enjoyed being with...before marriage and parenthood and all that other overly complicated stuff. Thanks Pete...if you're reading this, stop by next time for a burrito!

Proof Women Have the Power

Easy to Remember Terror Alerts

I never trusted that Elmo.